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| sometimes i feel blah about life. sure, we all feel it. sometimes i look at other people's lives and think, wow, they must be really happy. they've got tons of best friends, people to lean on, people they could hang out with 24/7 and never get bored of them. i'm used to cruising the waves by myself, used to not having friends there all the time, but what gets me down the most is that most kids my age have at least one best friend, or one person they can tell anything too, generally of the same sex and not their boyfriend.. i haven't been completely sad about it, just bummed. it may have been my fault for losing my best friend about four or five years ago, someone who could have potentially been my best friend for life, but i have a feeling i would have moved on regardless. i could live without having a close female friend that i could tell everything to, even *gasp* kiss and tell to, but it wouldn't hurt to have one.. it's cool having a boyfriend who you can tell everything to, someone you title as the "best friend/boyfriend", but a girl who can understand you? that'd be a blessing. friends are blessings, and even moreso the ones that are privileged enough to be dubbed the "best friend". how nice it would be to have someone text you all the time, tell you everything, give you advice, is always available to hang out, is pretty much your "other half"... of course i have had a few people who've come close to this description in the past few years, even one that was ended very nastily, and at the time, it was amazing. it was bliss, to have that security blanket wrapped around you in case everything else fell apart. of course i've got close friends, i've got a few of them. i love them to death. but no one i would call a best friend. maybe i will meet that person as i attend college for the next however long. i didn't meet her last semester, but maybe soon. maybe i won't meet her till later in my years. maybe i'll never meet her at all. maybe i wasn't meant to have best friends, which would be why i haven't been able to keep one or get one for that matter... but it sure would be nice to have one.
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| i love kevin. so much. i doubt he knows it though.
painful memories of my ex are ALWAYS revived when i think of being with kevin forever. how my ex "took a break" from me to pursue other women, preventing me from pursuing other men while doing so.. then violently threatening me when i would not take him back after finding someone else.. it was all so long ago. but i am soo deathly afraid kevin will leave me to pursue other people as well... i am his first girlfriend... we are just now starting college. what if i'm not really what he wants? what if he finds someone who makes him happier? what if he really does not love me as much as he says he does, and bores of me? i fear soo much for all of these possibilities. sometimes i purposely tell him i can't hang out because i'm so scared that if he sees me too much, he'll get bored of me quicker. it's so irrational and stupid.. but that's the mind of brandie.. he makes me so happy. i'm so glad to finally have a steady, real relationship in my life again for the first time in years. everything about him attracts me to him. he is amazing. talented. handsome. funny. sweet. sensitive. EVERYTHING AND MORE i could ever ask for. so it's not so irrational as to why i want to do everything in my power to prevent him from getting bored of me or finding someone else. i used to think i could handle relationships with no problem and be a great successful girlfriend. but im getting so paranoid i'm afraid it's going to prevent me from having any fun.
onto other news..
school starts for most people tomorrow/today.. i start college tuesday.. i'm excited but at the same time, bummed.. i was starting to enjoy the free time i had. but college will be different.. more fun. i hope i can meet some great new friends. maybe get closer to current friends. i just wanna get out and meet people, have some fun.. it gets kinda lonely not hanging out with friends. oh sure, the occasional lunch date pops up here and there.. hang out nights.. but to have continual nights of good clean fun would be desirable. i can't hang out with anybody at work because everyone seems like all they want to do is drink and smoke pot but i don't want that. i'm done with hanging out with those people. and that type of crowd is NOTHING like me. i would be lying to myself and everyone else if i were to even try to emulate them. whatever happened to playing games, hanging out and talking, swimming, being wild and crazy without the use of substances rotting your brain, making you sound and act like a total idiot? do we really need those things to have fun? and is that hangover in the morning, that headache you get after all the fun is over with, really worth it? not for me. i hate that feeling you get when you wake up in the morning after getting drunk the previous night. AWFUL. really ruins my day and spirit... so my goal is to make friends that i can have good genuine fun with.. hopefully i meet people like that.
i am also excited to get my brain running after being brain dead all summer. philosophy sounds like a very intriguing class. i hope i am not disappointed!
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| i'm so sick of being disappointed. human kind is just not pleasing me at the moment. it's so annoying and frustrating to try and make friends but the only thing they want to do is get into your pants, and when they know you have a boyfriend, for fucking crying out loud. it's absolutely obnoxious. and meeting new people is even more of a pain in the ass because i feel like no one will accept me for who i am. i always feel like i have to be someone i'm not. and it's so sad realizing that, by the end of the day, i have friends who like me because they think i am someone who i am not. sometimes i'm glad i don't have a best friend. i'm glad i only have a few good friends. i'm happy with that fact. i would be happy with no friends too. because then i know i wouldn't be disappointed or sad at the end of the day. sometimes i do envy those who have that one best friend they can share anything, absolutely ANYTHING with - someone they can gossip to, talk to, do everything with, and just call and know they will always pick up. i envy that friendship. but i also don't believe putting that label on people. sometimes i feel like no one will understand me. no one can TRULY understand me - not even my boyfriend. and i usually always consider him my closest friend.
and speaking of boyfriend.
he left for two weeks to go to this jazz festival thing in boston and the netherlands. i adapted very fast to not having a boyfriend. i missed the boy a lot, but i was fine just going to work and coming home to do nothing or practice for those 11 days. but when i saw him today after not seeing him for a while, i didn't realize how lonely i was while he was gone. i was almost too happy to see him. i even had trouble talking to him about how everything was. i kept salivating while i went on about how i was because i hadn't had a decent conversation in that long with someone. i don't even talk to my parents that long in one sitting. it was almost.. too depressing. sometimes i think he's my only friend. he would never understand that though, nor would i even want to talk to him about that. it's borderline embarrassing. but, i feel like i shouldn't be ashamed. it's who i am. i would much rather be alone than spend time talking to someone fake, disappointing, or stupid. i know my boyfriend is real. i can talk to him about anything. i always have a great time with him, even when we are sitting there doing nothing.
but, sometimes i feel like he could do more to relieve my loneliness. since he pretty much is my only source of socialization other than the occasional hang out with a friend, i just wish he would treat me like a friend as well as a girlfriend. well, he does, but.. oh its so hard to explain. i always sometimes wish as if i was one of "the guys" so that i can get a better idea of how he socializes with friends and talk to me like one of them. sure, i like the cutesy shit we do, but i really like it when he gets up close and personal, when i can get a glimpse of the side that he doesn't show me because i'm his girlfriend. or maybe he already does that and i don't know.
i am also quitting my job before the GVCM festival starts because i want to enjoy a couple weeks of summer before college starts. plus, i can't stand my stupid piece of shit manager. i just can't stand that ghetto ass place in general. even though all i pretty much met were fake perverts there that i THOUGHT could be my actual friends, it was my only source of socialization outside of boyfriend time and texting my friends, telling them i couldnt hang out that day because i had work. ugh i wish i could just quit now. maybe now i can actually spend time with some friends before they leave. ... well, i don't really care for anyone leaving besides katherine. but i would like to spend time with her, at least. and possibly other people that are going to unlv with me.
but mainly, what i want to do is practice. maybe if i practice enough, i can become professional in no time, and start my career. i just want to get on with life. i want to see where God will lead me. maybe i can meet someone who isn't fake or disappointing. maybe my relationship with kevin can grow, or maybe it will just crumble to pieces. i want to feel something besides disappointment. i want to feel relief. i want to feel accepted by the world. i want to feel secure again knowing that there is some place out there for someone like me.
sometimes, though, i feel happy being alone. no one to bother me, question my motives, downplay my actions or existence. it's nice to know that i don't need anyone to be happy and move forward in life. and it's nice not to feel like you have been let down yet again. it's the nicest to know that i know i'm not the only one in the world feeling this, though. so i know i'm not weird.
or maybe i am. and so are they.
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| geez i havent written in this thing in months.
a lot has changed since march. i have a great boyfriend who i havent gotten into a fight with. you know, those stupid pointless fights that couples have about the dumbest shit imaginable. i am really happy with him and i am confident to say that i have finally found one worth having, one that i can see myself in the future with. this hasn't happened in years. since my first boyfriend freshman year.. and of course i was in love with him.. he was my first for everything.. now that i look back on it, i seemed so juvenile. like i didn't have a clue about anything. i think i have more of a clue now. not saying i think im old and experienced enough to know who i want to spend my life with, but hey, at least i have more of a clue than i did when i was a freshman.
i have graduated from what seems like 13 long years of homework, teachers, drama, boys, friends, orchestra, music, just everything that has enveloped my life so far. im so excited to start the next chapter in my life. sure, ill miss my high school years and everything it has taught me. but to finally start college and get moving towards a career, living my own life in my own house with my own shower? it sounds like such a dream, something ive been waiting for. of course, it will probably be another four long years till any of that happens, but the process is beginning and im so excited. excited to get my bachelors in music and create beautiful music for everyone to hear. its probably not as easy as i am imagining it, but its always good to be optimistic.
the summer has been filled with work that i am less than happy to be doing. of course getting paid 9 dollars an hour to stand around and look pretty is nice, no complaints here. i am reading a book called the perks of being a wallflower by steven chbosky and i havent read something so good in a long time, without having to worry about writing an essay on it when im finished.
i dont know what else to write. i guess i'm happy with life at the moment and im just excited to go to my boyfriend's house and get drunk. something ive been wanting to do for a long time.
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| but now i don’t care i could go anywhere with you
and i’d probably be happy
well a lot sure does change in a short period of time. the boy i used to have a big crush on is pretty much not in my life anymore. it didn't work out. he was always so busy with architecture and he just never had time to hang out.. or he just didnt want to, i guess. i developed a new crush on this boy that goes to my school. ive been going to LVA for four years and didnt realize he was there until around valentines day... huh. im the sharp one, arent i?
so we have been dating for a month and it's perfect :] i haven't been this happy in very long. and it's very unlike my last boyfriend. he doesnt smoke pot and he isn't a metal head. hallelujah! i'm sick of metalheads. ugh.
so i was thinking about that ex recently. he was terrible. why did i like him so much? we dated for barely two months and he was so overprotective of me. he always got angry when i talked to my guy friends. and he got REALLY upset when zach took me home. what the fuck? how STUPID. what a waste of time. and he had long stupid blonde hair too. ugh.
but other than the great advancement in my love life, i got a job last month as well. and i love it there! this boy that i work with has a major crush on me, but i don't like him in that way. he's very sweet and cute, but first of all, he is a co-worker.. i just don't see it working. i need to tell him that i don't like him in that way because i'm afraid i'll lead him on, when i already have a wonderful boyfriend who i want to spend the rest of my high school career with. sigh. i wish they didn't BOTH walk into my life at the same time. :/
so i am going to unlv for college, but i believe i am only staying there for two years. once i do my pre-reqs and figure out what i want to do with my life, i plan on transferring somewhere else to get my degree. right now i am sort of in the "i want to go to a conservatory" mode, but knowing myself, i know that is going to change SEVERAL times.
right now, i am also having the beach blues.. i want to go to the beach SO bad. when my family went to california last summer we didn't go to the beach, we went in june so it was still too cold.. gosh.. i wanna go really bad. maybe this summer i can take kevin with me. that would be amazing.
to continue on updating you in every aspect of my life: prom is coming up fairly quickly, so of course that means prom dress shopping and scheduling appointments for hair and nails, and buying a boutonniere. but as i think more and more about it, is prom REALLY that big of a deal? when i went last year it did not seem like as much of a big deal as i thought it would. mainly, i think of it as an excuse to wear a cute dress and get all dolled up for a boy. but i dont think its worth spending ALL that money on a fancy ass restaurant, getting a limo and then spending a lot of money on tickets for a dance you'll spend about 30 minutes at. sigh.
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